The art of holding silence in the manger-employee relationship

How do you feel about silence? Do you leap in to fill a quiet moment in a conversation? Do you try to ‘keep people talking’ by turning your silence into a tactic from the now-defunct school of traditional leadership thought?

However you feel about silence, it can be incredibly emotive, powerful and valuable.

As managers, learning to create silence and hold space for our teams and employees can:

• create greater ease and trust in relationships

• enable people to connect with themselves and remain in the ’steady and ready to work’ part of the brain

• and reach deeper reflections and understanding about themselves and their practice, enabling growth, change and improvements to be made.

Even still, for lots of managers, holding silence can feel awkward, uncomfortable, just plain ‘weird’.

As someone who loves to listen, I’m curious about why. We already know that greatness emerges from silence and stillness. The entire universe came into being from within a vacuum of silence. Indeed, Claude Debussy once wrote: “The music is not in the notes, but in the silence between them.”

Let’s consider where to begin

Firstly, it’s our job as leaders to create and hold silence that feels psychologically safe and supportive.

The days when silence was deployed as a tactic to ‘keep people talking’ or for ‘giving someone enough rope to hang themself with’ have long since been debunked as traditional management’s use of fear and stress to control. We know from neuroscience how this affects the brain and how damaging it can be to people’s wellness and performance in work.

Silence is a busy time

The thing you’ve got to know is this: when there is silence often there is a lot happening - people are thinking; if we jump in to fill the space, perhaps because we feel uncomfortable, often we will be cutting people off mid-thought as they seek their own solutions, ideas or thoughts. 

How to frame silence more helpfully?

If it helps, try positioning silence as part of a process within a meeting, for example, by saying: “I’m going to give you time to consider this” or “would you like some time to think?”

You can model this by saying “I’d like to consider what you’ve said before I respond, I’m going to take a moment of quiet time before I come back to you”.

Perhaps during team meetings you have an agreement that in between each person contributing, there is 1 minute of silence, this will support people to gather their thoughts, respond not react, and it will support colleagues who are reflective thinkers to make more meaningful contributions by having extra time to consider their thoughts.

What are the benefits of silence?

Creating time for you and other people to think is a radical and caring act as a manager.

A deliberate, intentional thinking space is nourished by silence, and it can mean we respond rather than react and remain in our executive function (rational thought, memory, planning, strategy, realistic solutions - accuracy prone) and out of executive dysfunction (stress, unhelpful patterns, react, instinctive - error prone).

Thinking space and silence can help people be better at their jobs. As managers and leaders, our job is to get out of the way of that occurring and hold a space that facilitates the flourishing of their expertise, insight, reflection and learning.

So if you feel uncomfortable around silence, consider this a cue to explore your own experience and feelings about silence. What happened for you when there was silence in the past? How might this be informing the approach and attitude you bring to work about it?

If you don’t, you may be unintentionally impeding the success and performance of you and your teams.

Ethical application of silence

Silence should be used ethically, and not to prompt people to ‘keep talking’ or say something, or to take the ‘upper hand’ in a power move. Silence can be used tactically, so it’s important to be aware of this and remember that it ought to be used responsibly where possible and with compassion and dignity for the other person. 

Silence can be difficult for people

Silence can be very difficult for some people - often the more someone is feeling about a subject, or the more they may have experienced trauma, for example, then the more difficult silence can be for them to endure, but the more it is needed and the deeper the breakthroughs that can occur by providing or facilitating it safely with them. 

What signs might indicate someone’s struggling with silence?

-They may speak up / come in more / contribute thoughts and ideas more frequently or loudly than is helpful during meetings or within a team setting, for example.

A question to reflect on for you would be: how do I as a leader facilitate silence and manage a group, so that everyone can speak up and have a say?

-They may tell you that they ‘hate awkward silences’ or ‘find silence really hard’. Lean into this with them, be curious, empathise and let them know that you’re here for them: your intention is to hold a safe space where silence can facilitate our best thinking, and that you want to normalise silence and time to think.

-Set a timer, if it works for you and the person you’re meeting with, such as a member of your team. Certainly do not enforce this - all I’m saying is:

Be willing to think outside of the box to reach a point of comfort with the things that feel uncomfortable.

Things to consider

-Be mindful that some people may be coming from a place of striving to be heard because they feel they’ve not been heard in the past, so they may show more of this. Be empathic, demonstrate that you understand, but be clear in your expectations or boundaries when you’re managing and ‘conducting’ silence.

-Be mindful of emotions: sometimes silence can be emotional and tears may come. Often when people are crying they’re either trying to stop or feel embarrassed - they’re not able to listen to you so don’t keep talking. Hold safe and supportive silence instead. Acknowledge what’s arising by saying ‘I can see this is bringing something up for you’ or ‘I’m here to support you’ or simply ‘would you like to talk about how you’re feeling?’

Things to remember about tears:

If tears do come, often it’s because silence enables us to feel more. Naturally, if silence starts out feeling uncomfortable, people may not be used to having space to feel their feelings. Tears, frustrations, other emotions may well rise to the surface. Your job is just to be mindful of these things, and remember:

-Tears, if they come, are healing: they’re our body’s way of expressing and communicating our feelings and are entirely normal and healthy.

-Remember people’s boundaries: if you’re someone who tends to hug people - resist rushing in with a hug at the first sign of emotion - consent is critical and physical touch can also be difficult for people for lots of reasons - instead, consider asking - “would you like a hug?” or “what would support you right now?” - or agree this in advance if you happen to know that they do appreciate a hug or a supportive arm around the shoulder. Do with, not to, always.

Take-aways

• Silence creates space for people to think - sometimes they may be doing their best work

• The awkwardness it may create is created by you and you have the ability to puncture and diffuse it

• Silence can be balanced with time to externally process, debate, consider, negotiate - you have the ability to set the tone and meet the thinking needs of the individuals within your team.

• Think outside of the box to get the best from silence within your meeting and thinking spaces.

Contact me to find out more about my listening and thinking environment masterclasses.